It took me a long time to fall in love . Twenty -
five years, to be exact.
Loneliness is one of the most difficult aspects
of being single . Considering I went through
high school and college without a girlfriend, I
thought my loneliness was profound .
I can’ t help but laugh at my naivety because
the loneliness you feel when a relationship ends
cannot even compare .
One aspect about my relationship that always
seemed intense was how fast we moved.
By our second date , I knew it was the real
thing , and by the seventh month , we talked
about the potential of marriage .
At one point , my ex said , “We would have
beautiful babies ,” and the comment
remarkably didn ’ t scare me. Rather, it made my
heart skip a beat .
When a man crosses paths with a woman who
is capable of straightening him out , a strange
rewiring occurs.
Of course, not all men need to be “straightened
out , ” but before I met my girlfriend I was , as a
former coworker once labeled me, “A hot ass
mess .”
Don’ t get me wrong ; I was employed , working
on a master’ s degree , writing and enjoying my
life . However , I was also lazy , lacked purpose
and struggled with motivation .
When I met my soon-to -be girlfriend, all of
that changed.
For the first time in my life , I met a woman
who I felt was worth fighting for. And for the
time being, I had found my purpose in her .
The thing that confused me the most about our
relationship was the fighting . Of course, no
relationship will be daisies and rainbows all the
time , and fighting is normal.
However , when there is total harmony between
you and your partner, fights can sometimes feel
like a blind- side football tackle .
One of the toughest lessons I learned as my ex
and I moved through tumultuous times was to
not break up while in a fight.
I only learned this lesson because I initially
broke up with my girlfriend after a fight.
Moments later, I came crawling back because it
didn’ t feel right .
So , what was particularly difficult about the
end of my relationship was that we weren ’ t
fighting anymore . We were in a normal, day- to -
day state .
However , I knew in the back of my mind I
wasn ’ t seeing the future of us anymore .
Instead of waiting for a moment when we
snapped at each other and took the easy way
out , I broke up with my girlfriend under very
honest terms. But, that didn’ t make it easy .
Counterintuitively, it’ s hard not to question
your decision because you made it in a sound
state of mind as opposed to relying on anger
or frustration .
Still , it ’ s rewarding to know my relationship
ended on good terms , and in the future , I may
even get the chance to catch up and enjoy her
company again.
At the end of my relationship, I learned these
five rules to executing and maintaining a classy
breakup :
1. Commit
This goes for both men and women: If you
could not commit to the idea of being in a
relationship with your lover, then commit to the
idea of not being with him or her .
For most couples , it ’ s easy to fall back into
each other ’ s arms the moment loneliness
strikes, but you’ re simply cheating yourselves.
When you make the decision to end a
relationship, understand and embrace that it is
truly the end, no matter how much it hurts.
Then, you must challenge yourself to never
speak to that person again.
That sounds intense, but opportunities may
come up down the line to reconnect . However ,
the wounds must heal first.
It ’ s essential any contact with your ex isn ’ t
driven by a desire to get back together , to
search for closure or to simply feel something .
Rather, contact should only be initiated if you
have fully and truly moved on. For many , it ’ s
possible that time may never come. Embrace
it.
2. Stop searching for closure
I was unprepared for the finality losing my
lover and my best friend .
After a few good cries and some absurdly long
showers contemplating the demise of my
relationship, I finally came to understand not
everyone gets closure.
Few relationships are neatly wrapped up like a
bow on a Christmas present . Endings are
painful, and it was particularly shocking for me
after I experienced my first “honeymoon ”
phase .
Accepting that closure may not be in the cards
for you is hard, but that realization initiates the
healing phase .
3. Heal in a positive way
Personally, I’ m not the type to go out and have
crazy, meaningless s * x or to turn to drugs and
alcohol. Rather , I will just toil in a potent
cocktail of self - loathing and depression.
When my relationship ended , days started to
blend together . I felt that core , hallmark feeling
of depression I had felt before : helplessness.
I think my saving grace was the gym . I ’ m no
fitness expert ( and my diet sucks) , but pushing
myself through a few workouts while blasting
powerful music really helped me heal .
4. Don’t look back in anger
A failed relationship is a failed relationship, and
ultimately, it takes two people to bring it down
( most of the time , anyway ) .
Even Andy Dufresne from the “Shawshank
Redemption ” came to understand his actions
were partially responsible for the demise of his
marriage .
Bear in mind , he came to this conclusion after
20 years in jail , which was preceded by
catching his wife cheating and being wrongly
convicted for her murder .
If that isn ’ t a profound realization , I don ’ t
know what is .
An immature concern of mine after my
relationship ended was publicly establishing
who broke up with who .
When I found out from friends of my ex that
word had spread I had broken up with her, I
was elated.
“That’ s right , I broke it off !” Looking back , I am
borderline ashamed of my childlike mindset .
Ultimately , my desire to publicly define the
breakup came from my insecurity of what other
people thought of me.
I didn ’ t want to be looked down on for being
broken up with. I wanted to be respected for
having initiated the act myself .
In reality , my time should have been spent
trying to understand where I had failed my ex
as a boyfriend and how I could improve upon
those failures in the future .
5. Understand the price of love
In the classic movie , “Annie Hall” by Woody
Allen, we spend 90 minutes exploring a
relationship from its formation to its demise .
As the movie comes to a close , the couple
having been broken up for some time , Alvy
( Woody Allen) unexpectedly runs into his
former lover, Annie ( Diane Keaton ) .
They decide to grab a cup of coffee , and as
they share laughs and effortlessly rediscover
their old chemistry , the movie transitions into a
montage, as it runs through memories of their
relationship.
It shows them walking on the beach , kissing
under the covers , frustration as they move in
together , happily exchanging gifts , Alvy
consoling Annie as she cries and an
idiosyncratic moment as they laugh together
on a NYC park bench after noticing something
funny in the distance.
After the montage , Alvy begins to narrate,
“After that it got pretty late, and we both had
to go , but it was great seeing Annie again. I … I
realized what a terrific person she was , and…
and how much fun it was just knowing her;
and I… I, I thought of that old joke …”
As Alvy narrates , the camera watches him from
a distance as he stands on a NYC street corner
and says goodbye to Annie.
We observe this lingering moment , and you can
see Alvy is searching for something more , as
he shakes Annie ’ s hand for far too long, not
wanting to let go .
He then finishes narrating:
